so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
