Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
