Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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