Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
i want to swaddle you in tequila
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
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