If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Randomize
