Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
