Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize
