dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
