Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
