There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
