I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
