sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
