I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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