the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
