My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Randomize
