I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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