I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
My Sexting was not on an AP level
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
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