Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
