Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Randomize
