is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
