how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Randomize
