Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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