i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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