the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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