someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Randomize
