you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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