I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
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