I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Randomize
