i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
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