first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
