I hate all girls vehemently.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
