They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
