Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize
