I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
