i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
