I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
