I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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