I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Randomize