I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
