mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
