Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
