Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Randomize
