she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
