im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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