you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
