All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
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