FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
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