Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
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