This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Randomize