apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Every concussion has its silver lining
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize
