I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
