my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Randomize
