Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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