If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
They are going to name an STD after you.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
