do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Randomize
